


Dating 301: Interplanetary romance

by StarlitShadowHuntress



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Awkward Flirting, Dating, F/F, Fluff, M/M, and so am i, aubrey is bi, but i am not so please let me know if i wrote something incorrectly, stern is jewish, the others don't really show up in this sorry if you're here for that, theres minor differences in sylph and human biology and i will be headcanoning all of it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-09
Updated: 2020-01-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:07:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 16,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22182286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarlitShadowHuntress/pseuds/StarlitShadowHuntress
Summary: Barclay and Dani have a problem.Humans are too damn cute for their own good.A Candlenights gift for @sylvanwool on Tumblr!Big thanks to @thecandlenightszone for helping organize the swap this year!
Relationships: Barclay/Agent Stern (The Adventure Zone), Dani/Aubrey Little
Comments: 40
Kudos: 102
Collections: The Candlenights Zone (2019 Exchange)





	1. Damn, Dani

**Author's Note:**

  * For [veritashopian](https://archiveofourown.org/users/veritashopian/gifts).



Aubrey loves living in Kepler.

She loves the lodge, its patrons, the atmosphere, the hikes, and she’s even started getting used to the idea of hunts.

Aside from that, her magician gig lets her have enough money to pitch rent at the lodge, with a little bit of pocket change that she can save for herself.

And then, there’s the added benefit of Dani.

Aubrey realizes she’s got a massive crush on Dani the moment she walks into Amnesty Lodge.

Guys are fine, don’t get her wrong. But nothing quite beats women. Especially Dani.

No matter how cliché it is for her to admit it, Dani really is different. In the times between fighting bom-boms, Aubrey tries her best to seek out the vampire, to get to know her better.

For example, Dani only needs blood once every few months, and she can get it from human donors or from animals.

“Technically,” the blonde tells her, “we Sylphs don’t have blood, or hemoglobin. We’ve got nirane, but it’s close enough to blood that I can use it as a substitute.”

“Why do you need blood anyways?” Aubrey asks.

Dani chuckles. “My ancestors fucked in a circle before the Quell popped up. It made them slow, unable to keep up with our bodily demands without supplementing our diet somehow. Hence, nirane-sucking became a thing. Once the Quell began to rear its ugly head, they moved to Sylvain, started fucking outside the circle, and passed their recessive-ass mutant genes to some of their descendants. Like, thanks a lot great-great-great grandparents, am I right?”

Aubrey smiles.

* * *

The first time Aubrey took Dani out to lunch, Aubrey had paid the bill, although Dani had tried to pay as well.

“I have money!” She insisted.

Aubrey just shook her head and winked. “Let me take care of this. You can get the bill next time. I promise.”

She had spent the rest of the day kicking herself for being so flirty. What if they had a falling out because she couldn’t hide her feelings? Who would take care of Dr. Harris Bonkers, PhD, if their friendship was tarnished or things got awkward?

So, Aubrey is selfish. She takes Dani’s friendship, and doesn’t ask for more. She’s been pining like a damn tree after Dani, not wanting to ruin the friendship they’ve built. 

They go out for a meal at least once every two weeks, and Aubrey had started looking forward to it, treating it like a special time where she could get to know Dani better.

They weren’t dates, even though Aubrey was just the slightest bit interested in Dani. These lunches were just her way of being friendly, even though they fought over the bill and let each other win.

One humid night, Aubrey was pleased to find out that Sylphs thermoregulate to a scarily efficient degree, and spent the night wrapped around Dani, her personal air conditioner.

And maybe they cuddled more after that, when they were hanging out, just shooting the breeze about nothing in particular, but that’s just what girls did. Two girls, holding hands and cuddling? That was just gals being pals. It wasn’t like Dani saw Aubrey as anything more than a friend. Aubrey was bisexual, loved being bisexual, but maybe Dani wasn’t into women, or was just being friendly. Lots of straight girls would be all over each other, so maybe she was this touchy with everyone. After all, Aubrey was a magician who had actual magic powers, but a hard time controlling them. Why would Dani ever go for someone like her?

 _Shit_ , Aubrey realizes one morning, as Dani emerges from her room, hair messy and sleep shirt slipping off one shoulder. 

She’s hot for Dani.

That’s the same morning Agent Stern sits across from her in the lodge lobby.

“Aubrey, do you mind if we meet in town tomorrow? There’s something I’d like to discuss with you.”

* * *

Aubrey doesn’t trust Federal Agent Stern any farther than she can throw him.

Which is why she chose this very public café when Stern said he needed her help with something, and would she mind terribly if they just had a quick chat over lunch?

She’s practicing some basic tricks with her spark paper and flint-tipped gloves when he walks in, formality wrapped up in a trenchcoat. It’s late Autumn, and the nights aren’t warm enough to walk around without a light jacket. The quiet town of Kepler, West Virginia is expecting its first snowfall in two weeks, and Jake Coolice is excitedly talking about how he’ll bring them all skiing once that fresh powder falls. The agent spots Aubrey and heads to her table.

“Hey Aubrey.” He says. The Lady Flame smiles through a clenched jaw.

“Agent. I’ve already ordered for myself, but feel free to order at the register if you want anything.”

Agent Stern nods. He sets his outer coat on the back of the chair, revealing a perfectly pressed suit underneath ( _of course_ ), and walks to the register, Aubrey’s gaze diverted only by her “checking her phone” for any new messages.

That’s nonsense, of course. Being in the radio quiet zone means laggy wifi, and text messages being her only reliable form of conversation with others. Aubrey doubts Tinder works anywhere around Kepler at all. She’d gotten used to hanging around towns, meeting new people on the app, marking down new friends in a trail she could trace all across the Midwest. That was, until she had settled in town for the time being. This was a new experience. Staying quiet, laying low in one place. Thinking back on it, she hadn’t stayed in one place for longer than a week since-

Nevermind.

Agent Stern returns with a mug of sweetened coffee, and settles in his chair. “How are things?”

“They’re fine.”

“Have you, uh, been booked for many gigs lately?”

Aubrey shrugs. “A few birthday parties in town, a couple spots in the surrounding towns. I was doing stunts at a wedding last week.”

Agent Stern nods.

“How’s the Bigfoot hunt?”

The agent sighs. “Not going as well as I had hoped, to be honest. I’m afraid Ned’s video has been the only lead I’ve had for a while. The folks at UP are going to mock me for weeks when I get back.”

Aubrey sips her tea, relieved that the Pine Guard seems to be safe, for now. “Do you get assigned to cases? Or do you pick them as they come?”

Stern motions with his hand. “It’s a bit of half-and-half, really. You can call dibs on a case, if you’re really passionate about it. Otherwise it just gets assigned to whichever agent hasn’t done fieldwork in a while. UP likes to keep us all on our toes.”

“And did you come to Kepler because you wanted to?” Aubrey asks.

Stern nods. “I did.”

“Are there actually aliens in Area 51?”

Agent Stern chuckles. “Well, Aubrey, I have never been assigned to Nevada, so I can neither confirm nor deny that rumour.”

“So there are aliens, but you’re bound by contract to say no?”

He smirks. “Well, never say never and all that, right?”

“Was raiding Area 51 actually a huge threat?”

“I mean, technically, the folks at that base, at any government base, are allowed to use whatever means possible to neutralize a threat. We would have been fine, but the FBI likes to cut out unnecessary losses of human lives, so I’m glad it just turned into a party on the outskirts of the grounds.”

“Does Naruto running actually let you dodge the bullets?”

He chuckles. “I think you already know the answer to that. But, if you were wondering, I did receive a copy of the briefing powerpoint they used in Nevada for my own personal reference.”

Aubrey nods.

Jenny walks by with their food orders, and Aubrey and Stern both thank her. Aubrey notices Stern mutter some words under his breath before he starts eating.

“Praying?” She asks.

“Just a quick blessing.”

They tuck in to their meals in a more comfortable silence.

“You know,” Stern says, after swallowing a bite of egg salad sandwich, “I didn’t invite you here just to talk about cryptids and aliens.”

“I figured as much.” Aubrey says, through her scone. “So what’s this about, Agent? And why didn’t you just talk to me at the lodge? We do live there.”

“What do you know about Barclay Jones?”

Aubrey stops mid-chew. When she gets her voice working again, she tries to play it off as a joke.

“You do know how that sounds when you’re a federal agent, right, Agent Stern? It gives off interrogation-ish vibes.”

“Excuse me- oh. Oh yes, yes of course, I didn’t mean to startle you with my tone.” He apologizes. “I didn’t mean that in a scary way. I just- well, it seemed like you’re his friend, and I just wanted to get to know him a bit better.”

“You could be friends with him too.” Aubrey points out.

“That’s the thing.” Stern says. “Every time I try to start up a conversation with him, it feels like I’m being shut out.”

Aubrey nods. It makes sense. Barclay was Bigfoot. Why would he be getting cozy with the very man who was looking for him? 

“If you don’t mind my asking, Agent, why are you so invested in getting to know Barclay?”

Stern’s eyes widen. “Invested? Oh, no, I’m not invested in Barclay. I mean, I am _interested_ , but that’s just… out of curiosity?”

Aubrey looks at the man sitting in front of her. She spots the tiny rainbow cufflinks on his sleeves.

“Do you have a crush on Barclay?” she gasps, realization hitting her like a truck.

“Do I- Aubrey, please be professional about-”

“Is that why you wanted to meet me outside the lodge? So we wouldn’t blow your cover?”

“Well, that’s part of it, yes.”

“Are you trying to seduce Barclay?”

“I wouldn’t use the term ‘seduce’, per se, but-”

“But you want my help for whatever plan you have to ask him out.”

The agent nods, flushed pink, looking more human than robot.

“You seem to be quite successful with your pursuit of Dani, so I was just wondering if you had any tips to offer. After all, you’re a newcomer to Kepler, so I thought I’d ask you first.”

“I’m not dating Dani.” Aubrey says.

“But you seem very close to each other. I’d assume you’d like to date Dani, wouldn’t you?”

“Well, yes, but I’m afraid I don’t have much advice to give. Barclay and Dani, they’re not Kepler locals either, although they’ve been here longer than the two of us. To be honest, they’ve probably got different habits when it comes to dating.”

He nods. “We can wingman for each other.” Agent Stern suggests.

Aubrey doesn’t know if there will be any consequences of Agent Stern dating Barclay, if he’ll just return to the FBI once his Bigfoot hunt fails, there won’t be any real issues, right? Just a funny story to tell the other residents of the lodge. Aubrey just needs to sabotage Stern’s investigation, while pretending to help hook Stern and Barclay up. It’s a foolproof plan, and if he fails so poorly that he gets called back to home base before the next hunt, well...

“Agent Stern-” She starts, but he puts up a hand.  
“If we’re in this together, please call me Joseph.”

Aubrey grins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sylph biology headcanon: they don't have blood, they have nirane, which is, you can probably guess, nitrogen-based instead of oxygen dependent like human hemoglobin is.  
> Also, Sylphs thermoregulate. They're very good at it.


	2. Bath bombs

Agent Joseph Stern is an honest man who tries to live his best life.

Sure, he’s more enthusiastic than most about the paranormal, but that’s why he took the job with UP. He’ll take the budget that comes with working for the FBI, and explore communities all across the states. He’s investigated unsolved murders, looked for ghosts, and now he’s on the hunt for cryptids.

They didn’t have a big lead, but there was a lead nonetheless. About twenty-some years ago, reports of a man in a bigfoot costume hijacking a car had made its way to UP. About three months ago, a video had wound up online, in the exact same location, matching the description of the same individual from twenty years ago. UP questioned how the sasquatch aged, or if it was the same one from the past, but regardless of the confusion, they had put the case up for grabs.

Stern had taken the case, packed his three-piece suits, and left D.C., ready for an adventure to Kepler, West Virginia. A quiet ski town known for its tourism, and the tourist traps that sold cryptid paraphernalia.

The quiet town of Kepler isn’t what he had expected. 

For starters, there’s the Amnesty Lodge, which is quiet, out of the way, up in the mountains. There isn’t a real file on the lodge, but the Google reviews call it a quaint spot that hires most of its patrons.

According to the locals, Ned Chicane spends his days up there, if he’s not running the Cryptonomica.

Which is how Joseph Stern finds himself a guest in Amnesty Lodge as well.

The first day is spent unpacking, booting up his old laptop, and adjusting to life without reliable high speed internet.

The morning after, he asks Barclay if the breakfast burger is kosher. Barclay has no idea, so Stern settles for toast and eggs with a cup of coffee and some non-dairy creamer. He tries to help around the lodge, but Barclay waves him away and insists he can handle it all on his own.

Stern likes to believe he gets along with the Lodge’s residents by now. He’s on friendly terms with most of them, and while there are moments of obvious trepidation around him, that’s a vibe that he’s gotten used to feeling. He’s used to it by now.

Barclay’s conversational, very nice, but Joseph wants a bit more. He wants Barclay to talk with him like a person.

Coming to terms with his crush on Amnesty Lodge’s head cook had been easy. Barclay was handsome, arguably Stern’s “type”, and looked damn fine in a red flannel. He was kind, easy to get along with, and took care of everyone in the lodge. Everything after that moment of realization had turned into a rough and tumble adventure as day by day, Joseph Stern found himself falling head over heels for Barclay Jones.

He learned something new about Barclay every day. On October 6th, he realized that Barclay was left-handed. On October 31st, he noticed just how large Barclay was when Dani attended Kepler’s Halloween party dressed in one of his giant flannels, pretending to be a lumberjack.

On November 9th, he realized that Barclay’s hair had grown so long that it had to be tied back when he was cooking, and on the 10th Stern realized that he liked it that way.

On November 15th, he saw Barclay yawn, and there might as well have been roses blooming around the man, because Stern was a goner.

And that had led to Stern meeting with Aubrey, which led to their current situation.

Aubrey’s been sitting in the lobby of Amnesty, staring at Dani for the past 5 minutes.

And Stern should know. Because he’s been doing the same at Barclay for the last 10.

The two of them are “pretending to work” as best as they can, with Aubrey practicing some sleight of hand tricks with her cards, Dr. Harris Bonkers, PhD. on her lap. Agent Stern is halfheartedly flipping through old files, peering over the edge of the LampLighter at the kitchen, where Barclay and Dani are hard at work doing... 

He’s not sure, actually.

He feels ridiculous, sitting out here in the open. According to Aubrey, they’re waiting for the right moment to “shoot their shot”. Jake Coolice had been on their case immediately, fixing him with a smirk before whispering something to Aubrey that makes her blush and drop her cards.

If only Barclay would notice him staring sooner, so that he can look away quickly and pretend like it was all an accident. Was this really how dating happened in these small towns?

“Aubrey, would it really be that bad to ask him to look at me? Or to do something that catches his attention?”

“Yes. It would be the worst thing. Go back to your newspaper and case files.”

He tries, but ends up distracted by the sculptures around the lodge. There’s a beautiful wood piece encasing a chunk of amber, some paintings, and if he squints, it looks like there’s another one of the amber pieces in the kitchen.

“Ms. Cobb made all the art pieces in the lodge, all by herself?”

Aubrey nods.

He gets up.

“Stern,” Aubrey hisses, “what are you doing?”

“I’m getting Barclay’s attention.” He whispers back, straightening his tie before heading to the kitchen, despite Aubrey’s quiet sounds of protest.

“Honestly Barclay, haven’t seen you like this since you went through second puberty.”

“Shut up and stir, Dani.”

“What are the two of you up to?” the agent asks, trying for casual. He watches Dani stop stirring, as Barclay dumps a whole box of baking soda into the large metal bowl they’re using.

“Hi agent Stern.” Dani greets, as Barclay tries to make himself smaller.

“Hello, Dani, Barclay.” He looks at the scattered ingredients on the countertop. Baking soda, citric acid, vegetable oil, thyme, lavender, and some kind of colourful seed he can't recognize.

“I sure hope you aren’t trying to bake something for dinner.” He says before he can stop himself. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to insult your cooking, it’s been lovely so far.”

Dani shakes her head. “No, it’s not for dinner. But just out of curiosity, agent, why wouldn’t we want this for dinner? Everyone online seems to be obsessed with using simple, real ingredients and avoiding processed foods, what's so bad about this?”

Stern mentally schedules a time where he can sit the two of them down and explain how some GMOs, especially the ones that prevent mass famine, are good, and spelling what you eat is a scam by mommy bloggers who get paid by people advertising to eat organic, when those payments should be going to the skilled labourers who only make a buck on the hour.

He looks at the bowl. “Well, unless you’re putting other things into that mix, this would be pretty nasty for anyone with stomach acid to eat. We’d be burping all night long, and it’d probably be rough to digest.”

Barclay’s eyes go wide.

“Right. Stomach acid. Been a while since I was in chemistry class.”

“Good thing we’re making bath bombs!” Dani chimes in. “I just forgot to add the bath salts, how silly of me! Thanks for the reminder, Stern!”

He nods, and makes his way to his room quickly, ignoring Aubrey’s stare.

Well, at least he got Barclay’s attention, even if it were only for a moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sylph biology headcanon: Sylphs don't have stomach acid. Barclay learned human cooking by studying recipe books, but he still makes traditional food from Sylvain on special days, if Mama or the rest of the Pine Guard remember to bring him ingredients from the other side.  
> Aside: Ned definitely tried to sell some of the ingredients as homeopathic health foods.


	3. It's a Sylph thing

Barclay’s always liked to call himself a traveller.

He spent a good deal of time just wandering the US and Canada, before choosing to settle down at Amnesty Lodge. It felt like home.

Mama knows that the patrons of her lodge have no way to go back, can’t reconnect with the culture they were uprooted from, the experiences they’ve lost, but she tries her best to make Amnesty comfortable.

She puts up her own artwork as decorations around the lodge, and tries to incorporate some art from Sylvain when Janelle and Vincent allow her to bring something back.

So far, Amnesty lodge is home to two small shards of Sylvain’s crystal, imbued with the strongest protection magic Janelle could muster. These have been tenderly encased in fine polished wood, the focus of Mama’s artwork. Mama puts them under fluorescent lights so the typical visitor doesn’t notice the strange rocks glow on their own. They’re a sign of home, and the stones bathe the whole lodge in warmth when the sun shines through them. 

That’s one thing Barclay is thankful for every day. The sun always rises in Kepler, West Virginia, even when it feels like the shadows and dark clouds don’t want to leave.

Surprisingly, he’s also thankful for a federal agent living under their roof. He wasn’t okay with it at the start, wasn’t cool with it for a long time, until one September afternoon, when agent Stern had walked in from an unsuccessful “Bigfoot hunt”, and when Barclay asked for more details, revealed it was the agent’s birthday. Barclay knew he was in danger every moment the federal agent stayed in Amnesty Lodge, but seeing the man so sad, so lonely on his birthday hurt something deep in his core. He had politely poured the man a drink on the house, and started on a fast recipe.

It was during this time spent just chatting with the agent that Barclay remembered his manners. Joseph Stern was in a new place, all by himself, and while they had tried to be nice to him, they certainly hadn’t pandered to all of his interests. Underneath all the scary government work, he was just as human as the rest of them.

Wait. That was a bad example. They were just as human as… Aubrey? But Aubrey did some weird shit with her magic, which most humans don’t have. Joseph Stern is as human as… Mama?

Barclay was bad at metaphors, but he was good at keeping the agent’s attention for as long as he needed.

It wasn’t much, and the shitty powdered sugar frosting he had covered his work in was melting fast, but Barclay had managed to make a mug cake for the agent in the ten minutes since he had first realized. When he was done, he pushed it in front of Stern, who looked surprised, to say the least.

“Happy birthday.”

“You just figured out a few minutes ago.”

“I know it isn’t much, but nobody deserves to go cakeless on their birthday, even if the cake is made in a mug.”

Joseph shakes his head. “No, that’s not what I- I mean, thank you Barclay. I really appreciate it.”

Barclay smiles, and when he doesn’t stop smiling, he starts to worry a little.

He pushes it to the back of his mind. It's probably nothing. Just excitement that he had finally been able to crack that tough nut.

Figuratively speaking, of course.

He hangs out with the agent more often after that. Not actively, but he stays behind to chat after collecting his plate, and answers with more than a few sentences when the agent asks about the best hiking trails, where he can find the public library, and the best places (save for the lodge) where he can grab a nice bite to eat.

And the lodge won’t shut the hell up about it.

“You’ve been scrubbing the same bowl for 3 minutes.” Moira whispers into his ear, when he’s busy asking the agent about Seattle’s chowder.

“If you iron that shirt any more, you’re going to burn a hole in it.” Aubrey jokes, when he’s telling Stern about the time he thought Mama’s truck was haunted, when it was just engine trouble.

Ned slides his plate into the sink and manages to hightail it out of the lodge before Barclay can get him to pay his bill, because Barclay was too busy laughing at a joke Joseph had told him.

Barclay wonders when the agent set out to hunt him changed from Agent Stern to just Stern, and then from Stern to Joseph, but if he thinks about it, he doesn’t mind the change at all.

“Dude.” Jake says. “You have a problem.”

And Jake was annoyingly, right about it.

* * *

Look. No matter what people thought, Barclay honestly hadn’t been trying to poison Joseph.

It was supposed to be a love potion.

Not like that, that’d be gross and creepy.

It’s a Sylvan thing. In between first and second puberty, lots of Sylphs start developing feelings for others, but it’s hard sometimes to distinguish feelings of romantic attraction, and it’s easier than asking the person and putting them in an awkward spot, so they took to rumours, parlour tricks, potions.

Barclay knows that any answer from a love potion is worth about as much as a reply from a Magic 8 Ball, but that doesn’t stop him from hoping.

If Barclay takes the potion while thinking of Stern, and his stomach starts to hurt, he knows to put this crush to rest. If he feels warm and fuzzy inside, it lets him know that he’s got it bad for the man in black.

If it works on humans too, then Barclay can know exactly how Joseph feels. He’s planning on pretending this is a new recipe for a smoothie, and was going to ask how he felt after drinking it. All he has to do to make the other man think of him is show him an old selfie. That’ll probably work.

He’s even gone out of his way to double the recipe, just in case Dani asks him for some so that she can try it on Aubrey. Thank goodness they hadn’t ran out of Koji berries yet.

“Are you sure we can use tap water as a substitute for water from Sylvain?” the vampire asks.

“Dunno. Never had to do this before.”

“Why are you doing it now? With Stern?”  
Barclay just shrugs. “Why do you keep staring at me?”

“Because I know you made enough to share.”

“Then I expect you to help.”

Dani dramatically sighs before she gets to work dragging more ingredients out from the cupboards.

“Honestly Barclay, haven’t seen you like this since you went through second puberty.”

He waves the spoon in her direction and leans over the old texts. “Shut up and stir, Dani.”

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees agent Stern approach, and forces his shoulders to relax.

“What are the two of you up to?” the agent asks, a forced casual tone in his voice. Barclay tries to ignore the man, busying himself with the baking soda.

“I sure hope you aren’t trying to bake something for dinner.” Joseph says, out of the blue. Barclay’s about to fire an insult right back before Joseph apologizes. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to insult your cooking, it’s been lovely so far.”

Dani shakes her head and goes off on a tangent about being able to spell your food out. Barclay tunes her out, focusing on Joseph Stern, whose eyes are scanning the countertop. The countertop that currently holds their mixing bowl of half-finished love potion.

 _Fuck_.

“-this would be pretty nasty for anyone with stomach acid to eat.” he says, making Barclay tip his head up. “We’d be burping all night long, and it’d probably be rough to digest.”

Barclay’s eyes go wide. Right. He’s completely forgotten that humans have acid in their stomachs. “Right. Stomach acid. Been a while since I was in chemistry class.” he says, hoping this is a good enough lie.

“Good thing we’re making bath bombs!” Dani chimes in. “I just forgot to add the bath salts, how silly of me! Thanks for the reminder, Stern!”

Barclay watches the man leave while Dani shoots him a panicked glance. His stomach hurts now, but for all the wrong reasons.

He blew it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sylph biology headcanon: They go through puberty twice. It's not any better the second time around.


	4. Those goddamn humans

Dani chooses to go about courting Aubrey the way Sylphs have been doing it for centuries.

It starts with flowers.

In the summertime, Dani had been hard at work collecting flowers for Aubrey. She would come in from a morning hike, greet the magician at the breakfast table, and plop a few of the best looking flowers in front of Aubrey.

Once Barclay caught wind of her attraction, he put a vase on Aubrey’s usual table for Dani to put her flowers in. Dani thanked him for that.

The problem was, it didn’t seem like Aubrey had noticed. While she had made sure to thank Dani and admire the plants, she hadn’t physically accepted them. She’d usually just add water to the vase, and leave it out in the open.

She was literally airing Dani’s crush out in front of the whole lodge, who made sure to rib her for it.

“Nice flower choice today,” Moira says. “Wonder if she’ll actually accept them this time.”

“I’ve got a running bet with Stefan that the flowers stay out today.” Jake calls as she leaves for her morning hike. “Mind picking some real ugly ones while you’re out so I can win?”

Even Mama notices, and while she doesn’t say anything, Dani can feel eyes on her.

That does it. Time to get more serious.

She goes on her typical hike, but spares enough time to “borrow” the truck and drive into town, where she gets Leo to help bundle her ironweed and asters into something borderline presentable.

She runs into the lodge and almost smacks into Ned Chicane.

“Whoa there, Dani, are you okay?”

“M’fine! Sorry!” She manages to say, while wiggling around Ned and towards Aubrey’s table.

“-and so, what I’m suggesting to Janelle is- oh hi Dani! Duck is joining us for breakfast today, if you don’t mind!”

And Dani looks at Aubrey’s bright smile, at her slightly rumpled jean-jacket, at Duck, who’s  _ totally _ killing her romantic vibe in his stupid ranger hat, and digs the bouquet of flowers further into the small of her back.

“Oh. I-uh, I could really go for a dip in the hot springs, if that’s okay.” she says. “Sorry.” She tacks on, an afterthought to her plan.

Aubrey blinks, but nods. “No problem! I’ll see you around!”

Dani gives a shy wave with her free hand and waddles off to her room. Once she’s got her swimsuit on, she considers the bouquet lying at the foot of her bed.

_ Fuck it. _

She leaves it in front of Aubrey’s room before she goes for her soak. It does nothing for her emotions.

Aubrey, to her credit, surprises Dani.   
She makes two flower crowns out of the bouquet and placed it on Dani’s doorknob.

“That’s technically not a rejection?” Jake says, when he sees Aubrey wearing a matching flower crown. Dani puts her head in her hands.

These goddamn humans.

* * *

Barclay doesn’t bother her about the crush, although Dani notices he’s hot for the agent and hasn’t so much as gifted a single flower yet.

“So, what gives?” She asks, as Barclay loads the washing machine.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“You and I both know that’s a goddamn lie. You like Stern, but ever since that love potion business, you’re not doing anything about it.”

“What makes you think that?”

“Barclay. I haven’t seen a single flower show up around him. What the fuck?”

Barclay wrinkles his nose. “I keep forgetting you’re older than I am. Traditions change, Dani.”

“Bullshit. Just because I came out in the late 1800’s doesn’t mean I’m ancient.”

“Take it from me, Dani, I got here in the 50’s. Flowers as the first gift died out before I left.” He scratches his beard. “We start with gifts now.”

“That’s scandalous!” Dani hisses. “Gifts are like, totally second base!”

“Then I guess I’m two steps ahead of you.” Barclay smirks. “I’ve already gifted Joseph a new pair of hiking boots.”

Dani’s eyes go wide. “And he took them?”

Barclay grins. “He said thank you, and he’s currently wearing them on his hike.”

Dani looks around the lodge, before grabbing Barclay by the flannel.

“You’re shitting me.”

“I am not. He took them, he’s wearing them, and my next step is carving my flute.”

“You don’t do blankets anymore?”

“We sort of do both at the same time now.”

“You combine-?”

Barclay chuckles, and Dani has to resist the urge to smack him.

“Betcha I can seduce Joseph before you even come close with Aubrey.” He jokes.

Dani frowns.

“I’ll bet you-” she hisses, “That Stern thinks those boots are just a friendly gesture.”

Barclay’s eyes narrow. “He wouldn’t.”

Dani nods. “People give gifts to each other all the time. My guess is that he has no idea you’re even trying to seduce him. He probably just thinks you’re being friendly. Think about it. He’s human. He has no idea how Sylphs do these things. He doesn’t know what gifts mean, and it’s not like we can just tell him about our alien planet’s traditions, not when he’s a federal agent out to get us. We don’t know what’s treated as romantic or platonic here either, and I’ve been on this Earth for over a hundred years. I’m as lost as you are, but I assure you, he didn’t know what he was doing when he accepted your boots.”

The man slouches.

“These goddamn humans.” He mutters.


	5. Stern takes all his dating advice from old romcoms

“I’ll take him out for dinner and a movie.”

“Like, to a theatre?”

“Yeah. The one in the next town over.”

“Stern, that’s the worst possible idea.”

“It’s a classic!” The man defends, drinking his tea so that he doesn’t have to talk. Aubrey shakes her head.

“A classic way to make sure you’re never getting another date, maybe.”

“It works in the movies!”

“Movies have scripts and actors. I know you’re older than I am, but in your experience has dinner and a movie ever worked? How long have you been out of the game?”

The agent scratches his head. “Well, technically I’ve never been in the game. I mean, I was out there in high school, but everyone’s out there in high school, and it’s _high school_ , no way that counts.”

Aubrey nods. “It’s just that going out to watch a movie is boring. You can’t talk in the theatre, you can’t pause it to laugh at the ridiculous lines, and if you wanted to, Netflix is an option.”

“Aubrey, Netflix is slow as hell.”

“I’m just saying, you could pass the time it takes to load by chatting, or making ou-”

“We’re definitely not there yet!”

Aubrey grins. “Bet you’d like that though. Just text Barclay. Be like: hey, Netflix and chill in my room? And put some eggplant emojis in for good measure. We all know what Netflix and chill really means.”

“You know that’s not going to happen.”

“I know, but it’s funny. What were your plans for the drive back to Kepler? You were gonna park the car in front of some view, and when he comments on how pretty it looks, and you look at him and agree that the view’s pretty, and then you start making out in the car?”

“I thought it would be romantic.” Stern mutters, a dark blush furiously staining his cheeks.

“It’s cliché, for sure, but maybe both of you are into that. Who am I to judge? My only advice is to have your first date elsewhere, not in a movie theatre. There’s other people there. It makes everything awkward.”

“I was thinking of giving him flowers too? Is that bad?”

“I dunno. If you think Barclay would like some flowers, I don’t see how it could go wrong.”

“I don’t even have clothes for a date. Do I need to go shopping?”

“Dude, if anything, you’re way overdressed. You wear a full suit to sit in the Amnesty lobby, where literally nobody cares, when you could just as easily be wearing a hoodie and leggings. You don’t even have a supervisor breathing down your neck out here.”

“I didn’t think to pack very much. Plus, people don’t believe you’re in the FBI unless you stick to a suit, so I’ve just resigned myself to that. Barclay did gift me a nice pair of hiking boots as a late birthday present, though. Maybe we should go hiking?”

Aubrey shrugs. “Are you overthinking this?”

The agent in front of her shakes his head. “I don’t know. I’ve been single for so long, and in the FBI, that’s good. They can assign you anywhere, don’t have to worry about you and a partner. It keeps you useful, and I’ve liked that. I’m used to it. But being put here to investigate the paranormal? Finding someone like Barclay? It sort of makes me want to stay in Kepler. He makes me want to settle down.”

She freezes. On the one hand, if Stern really likes Barclay, and Barclay feels the same, it’s possible that they could be good for each other. Really good for each other.

But if he finds the truth about Amnesty Lodge, the bom-boms, and Sylvain, would he be willing to go against his job to protect Kepler’s secret?

And if he stays, tries to keep both?

They’re looking at a lifetime of secrets.

“By the way,” Stern asks her, cutting into his diner burger, “have you any use for bath bombs?”


	6. Stern almost ruins his date

Joseph Stern is sweating buckets.

He’s been so obvious over the last week, and all he can wonder is whether Barclay knows about his little crush, and is just ignoring it to be nice.

He’d even gone so far as to bring Barclay a box of chocolates, but the man had just left the open box out in the middle of the lodge for Jake to demolish.

But letting life pass him by? He’s over that. He’s going out for a hike with Barclay, and they’re going for dinner in downtown Kepler afterwards. 

He’s learned to pack light over the years, but now he’s staring at his closet full of identical suits and wishing he had learned to find a balance in his wardrobe. While he had gone on hikes before in jeans and hoodies, he doesn’t want to wear that while out with Barclay. What if that changed his whole image? He had to dress down, but put more effort into his appearance than a simple hoodie. He’s at a loss, can’t figure out what to wear, it’s like he’s nineteen again, awkward and overthinking everything and what if Barclay doesn’t like what he’s wearing?

He’s interrupted by a knock at the door.

There stands Jake Coolice.

“Hey dude! Aubrey told me you might be having wardrobe troubles, want to raid my closet for something?”

Joseph will never admit that a tank top worn under an open button down is his style, but he has to admit that letting Jake take the reins today was a good idea. It’s comfortable to walk in, and the jeans are good for the weather. Fall came in hot this year, although it’s supposed to snow soon.

And Barclay?

He’s in his usual flannel and jeans, but he’s not wearing his typical black t-shirt underneath. He had unbuttoned the top two buttons five minutes into the hike.

In other words, Joseph Stern is a dead man and Barclay can take full responsibility for that.

“I really like the trees here.” He says, loud enough for Barclay to hear over the rustling he’s making on the hike. He doesn’t need to be quiet. If he can pretend his face is red from overexertion, all the better for him.

“That’s nice.” Barclay replies.

“There are some real nice hiking trails around Amnesty lodge, too.”

“Part of why I like living here.”

Joseph has no idea why Barclay is looking this jumpy when all they’re doing is hiking. He’s nervous too, but that’s because he _likes_ Barclay. And because Barclay looks _good_.

“Look at this nice clearing!” He announces, when they get to it. He found it on one of his earlier hikes, and he likes coming back to it once in a while. It’s relaxing, although he doesn’t know why.

“Right. Yup, this is a clearing.” Barclay says, almost as if he expects to see something different.

“Barclay, is everything alright?” he asks, while reaching in his pack for more bug spray. The man nods in return.

“Bug spray?” He offers. Barclay shakes his head.

“Don’t need it.”

And when Stern looks closer, he can see that Barclay really doesn’t need it. While Stern’s got welts and rashes from the bugs feasting on him, Barclay doesn’t even have a single swollen spot.

“Aw, no fair.” He complains. “You don’t have any bites on you. It’s almost like you don’t even have blood or something.” He jokes. Barclay twitches at the mention of blood, but chuckles to make up for it.

“Aw, c’mon Joseph, of course I’ve got blood. It’s not like I’m an alien, or something. I just don’t notice the bites anymore. I lived in Manitoba for a while. The bugs there are killer. Guess I got so used to it that my body doesn’t even react to bites anymore.”

Stern takes that excuse. He won’t pry. Once he’s done spraying his body with insect repellant, they’re back on the trail again.

He had wanted to take Barclay somewhere nice and fancy to eat, but there’s only an Olive Garden in town. When they pull up to Kepler, Stern parks his shiny car and hops out.

“Let’s just wander around until we find someplace, okay?”

Barclay nods. Stern resists the urge to link their fingers together.

Their someplace, as it turns out, happens to be a Vietnamese hole in the wall.

“Are you sure pho is kosher?” Barclay asks, when he holds the door open.

“Yeah. For the most part, it’s kosher. I just have to ask to double check that they don’t use pork.”

“And if they do?”

He shrugs. “I’ll just get a banh mi.”

As it turns out, they do not use pork. As Barclay eats his tom yum, they chat.

“Pho was one of my favourite foods while I was on the go.” Joseph admits. “Really helped me when I got kicked out, too. Cheap, filling, and kosher. Left me with enough money to stay off the streets.”

“When were you kicked out?” Barclay asks.

“Junior year. There was a rumour at school.” Joseph admits. “That I liked boys. The principal took it upon himself to… inform my parents.”

“That’s a shitty thing to do.” Barclay says, through a mouthful of bean sprouts and rice noodles.

Joseph sighs. “Our state had an act that basically allowed teachers to tell parents if there was anything going on with their kids at school. It was supposed to be used to alert parents of bullying, but all of the gay kids called it the closet act, because if the school knew you were in the closet, they’d use that act to tell your parents.”

“Just when I think American high school can’t get any worse.” Barclay grumbles.

“My parents didn’t know what to do with me. They didn’t know what being gay meant, and they thought it was a rebellious phase. When I told them it wasn’t just a phase, they kicked me out. I was the baby of the family. Didn’t even know I could go from spoiled to banished in one afternoon, but there I was, staying at friends’ houses until June.”

He doesn’t realize he’s close to tears until Barclay reaches across the table and grips his hand tightly.

“My sister let me crash with her when she went to grad school.” he continues. “I moved states with her and my brother, put myself through senior year and college working shitty part time jobs, and graduated before being taken in by UP.”

“What about your other sister?” Barclay asks.

“She’s still in the same town we grew up in. She married her high school sweetheart, and never looked back. When I was kicked out, she was the first family member to start talking to me again. She saved up money from her paychecks, sent me what she could spare. I miss her to bits. I miss having a family.”

“Is it weird?” Barclay asks. “Moving around all the time with the FBI?”

He shakes his head. “It’s easier to focus on work when you don’t have anything going on at home.”

Barclay’s quiet for a long time. Internally, Joseph is kicking himself for turning what should have been a date into a pity party. He’s about to apologize when Barclay finally starts talking.

“I get it.” Barclay admits. “I was a bit of a rebel myself in my younger days, until I made a mistake that cost me my whole family. I was abandoned by my whole community.”

“That’s rough. What happened?”

“I made a stupid choice that endangered a bunch of people. If I had known people would have been hurt by me, I wouldn’t have done it, but at the time, I thought it was just a chance for me to fool around and be a stupid, reckless kid.”

“They didn’t treat you like a kid?”

“I wish they were more forgiving of me, but for the most part they agreed I was too dangerous for the group.” Barclay mutters. “I was young, then. I had no idea what I was doing was wrong, until it was too late. But I can’t exactly go back. I went everywhere around the states and Canada, just trying to find somewhere to belong. I’m lucky I found Mama, and there was an opening at the lodge, or else I would still be aimlessly wandering.”

Joseph wonders, very briefly, if there’s a chance he could stop wandering. If he could call a place home. If that place has any relation to the man sitting in front of him.

At the end of the date, Barclay keeps him at arms length.

“I’m sorry if I made things awkward at dinner.”

“You don’t have to apologize for anything, Joseph.”

He feels warm when Barclay calls him Joseph.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sylph biology headcanon: Mosquitos don't suck nirane.


	7. Aubrey's creeped out by the mothman

When agent Stern comes knocking at Aubrey’s door after his date with Barclay, a sad look on his face, she tries her best to pick up the pieces.

“He didn’t even go for a hug!” Stern all but sobs, as he scoops up some ice cream with an oreo. Aubrey does the same, considering possible responses.

“Barclay doesn’t like getting touchy with others.” She says.

“He’s fine around everyone else in the lodge.” Stern grumbles.

“That’s an exception.” Aubrey says. “They’ve known each other for way longer. Relatively speaking, we’re both newcomers. He’s probably just got a weird thing about personal space.”

She has no idea if she’s actually helping the agent out, but she’ll try her best.

“Did you hear about the flowers?”

Aubrey nods. “Yeah, heard he just dumped your flowers in a vase, cuz he didn’t think they were for him. And when you clarified that they were for him, he just nodded and thanked you again.” She perks up, remembering something. “Wait. The next day there was an empty box of chocolates in the trash! Those were yours, right? Barclay gave you a present?”

The agent shakes his head. “I gave them to Barclay. He left them out in the lobby because he thought they were a gift to the whole lodge.”

“But the box was empty! I bet he at least ate one!”

“Jake got to them first.”

Aubrey slumps lower into her pillow pile. “Man. This sucks.”

Joseph nods. “If only Barclay weren’t so endearing.”

Aubrey lifts her head slightly. “Y’know, you can call him hot. I won’t judge. I think Dani’s hot. I’m not interested in Barclay, but I can tell he’s got that home-y, comfortable vibe around him. That gets some people going.”

There’s a sigh on her left. “You’re right. Barclay’s hot and I’m a very simple man.”

She pats his back. “Dani’s too cute for her own good.”

Aubrey has been trying to date Dani ever since she arrived in Kepler, with minimal success.

The last time they had been out for a meal was after one of Aubrey’s shows at the public library. Dani had watched, clapped with the audience, and beamed at Aubrey every time a trick went right. They followed the show by going to a family owned diner with “instagram pretty” food. And as usual, they fought over who got to pay the bill.

Aubrey likes paying for Dani. Every time she went out with guys, they were surprised that she would take the initiative and reach for the bill. She honestly didn’t mind paying. She had money, and she liked giving generous tips.

Now, if Dani would just realize Aubrey’s massive crush on her, life would be a whole lot easier.

* * *

All of this changes, of course, after Aubrey meets Indrid Cold.

At first, his behaviour scares her. After all, he calls when they’re in danger, is vague as fuck about everything, and he seems to love being affiliated with the Mothman.

“Gives me a certain vibe.” He chuckles, when Aubrey asks him about it.

But Aubrey is uncomfortable for other reasons, too.

Indrid Cold  _ knows _ . He knows about her crush, about Agent Stern’s crush, and all he does is snicker at their predicament.

“Why aren’t you nicer?” Aubrey asks over the phone. “You know how Sylphs act when they like each other, but you won’t so much as give me a hint that what I’m doing is working? How can I date Dani? Is she even into me? Use your seer abilities! Please!”

Indrid talks through what Aubrey imagines is a wide grin. “Now, Aubrey, what’s the fun in me telling you? I see so many realities. Even giving you an answer might result in changing the timeline completely. We can’t have that while you’re trying to fight abominations with the Pine Guard, now can we?”

Aubrey groans, and Indrid’s smile across the phone line seems to get wider.

“By the way, Dani’s currently standing outside the lodge with a blanket draped over her shoulders, waiting for you to go home. You might want to do something about that.”

And Aubrey does.

She runs to the lodge, finds Dani bundled up in the blanket, and rushes to her side.

“Indrid told me you were out here. What are you thinking?”

“I was waiting for you.” Dani says simply, as Aubrey wraps the blanket tighter around the vampire.

“And you couldn’t think to put on a jacket? It’s so windy today!” Aubrey scolds, as she rushes Dani into the building. 

“Sylphs don’t feel cold. We’re very efficient at thermoregulation.” Dani reminds her, somehow looking miserable in Amnesty’s lobby. Aubrey mutters something about how that’s not what she means before heading up to her room.

They might have destroyed the weird tree, but she feels like there’s bigger problems brewing.

She gets a call from Indrid right after she shuts the door to her room.

“I must admit, that didn’t go the way I saw it going.”

“Shut up, Indrid.”

“How do you humans say it? Right. My bad. That one’s on me.”

“I thought you were gonna stop the weird calls now that we defeated the bom-bom.”

“Oh, Aubrey, just because I’m back on the road doesn’t mean I stop doing my job! Here. I feel bad, so let me give you a piece of free advice.”

Aubrey narrows her eyes. “If you’re trying to trick me...” She threatens.

“Nope. Not a trick. The stars are going to look real pretty tonight. I’d recommend going out to the archway to look at them. Consider inviting your friend the federal agent, as well as Barclay and Dani.”

Aubrey doesn’t say anything. Indrid hangs up.

Outside, she hears a haunting flute melody. Looking out her window, she spots Barclay, wrapped in a blanket, playing the flute. Eventually, she hears agent Stern’s car rolling up the gravel track, and Barclay’s music is interrupted by the agent, chastising Barclay about how he should know to dress in more layers when the mountains get this windy. She opens her door just enough to hear Stern’s continued lecture on the common cold, and she pokes her head out to spot Barclay looking as dejected as Dani had before.

Huh. Weird.

Aubrey shrugs it off and sends a text to Stern.

* * *

Yo Stern, there’s supposed to be a clear sky tonight. Can I interest you in coming stargazing with Dani? Feel free to invite Barclay.

* * *

Her phone buzzes a few minutes after Stern finishes up his lecture. He’s texting formally, as he always does, and Aubrey bites back a grin at how nerdy he is.

* * *

Hello Aubrey,

Thank you very much for the invitation. I have checked the weather report for tonight. With any luck, we should be able to spot the northern lights as well.

I look forward to this evening. I will invite Barclay to join us.

Thank you again for alerting me,

J. Stern.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Joseph Stern texts like he's formally emailing and you can pry this headcanon from my cold, dead hands.


	8. Look at the stars, look how they shine for you

Dani takes another swig of coffee. It’s bitter and nasty, and poisonous to Sylphs, but she doesn’t really care. She’s too depressed to care.

“We both got rejected today, didn’t we?” Barclay mutters, taking a sip from his own mug.

“Shut up, Barclay. Let me wallow in my own misery.”

“No.” Barclay says. “Either they have no idea what standing outside with a blanket means, or they aren’t interested in us. It’s simple as that.”

“We- _hic_ \- can’t explain what that means, though.” Dani points out. “Or else they would start asking questions, and we’d be figured out in no time.”

“The one guy I can’t possibly date, under my roof, trying to _hunt me down_ for his job.” Barclay groans. “And I fall for him. Just my rotten luck.”

“I have it harder.” she says. “Once Stern loses his FBI funding, once the government decides Kepler isn’t worth investigating, he’s out of your hair. You won’t ever have to think of him again. Aubrey literally _lives_ here. Her sense of duty outweighs her want to travel. She’d be willing to put all her dreams down at a moments notice if that meant she could stop the abominations. As long as those monsters keep coming through the gate, my problem is permanent and living three doors down.”

“There’s always the logical thing to do.” Moira chimes in, pouring herself a generous helping of whiskey.

“Oh yeah?” Dani asks. “What?”

Moira grins. “You could just ask them how they feel, instead of drowning your sorrows in coffee. Have some booze, like normal Sylphs do. There must have been an evolutionary reason why we didn’t get used to chugging bean juice.”

Dani groans. “We can’t just ask them how they feel! The implications were out there the second either of us stepped outside with a blanket for the whole lodge to see! We shouldn’t have to explain the rules to it!”

“They’re humans.” Moira says, as if that’s the answer to all of their problems. “They don’t understand how Sylphs do these things, because no Sylph has ever bothered telling them in the first place.” She takes another shot of whiskey. “How was either of them supposed to know that standing under the blanket with you is supposed to be romantic? I’ll bet they don’t understand how relevant music is, either.”

“Of course not.” Barclay mutters. “Because you’re always playing the piano.”

Moira grins. “I love the lodge and all of its patrons. You cannot fault me for being so unabashedly proud of my songs.”

Barclay sighs.

Then, his phone buzzes.

“It’s Joseph.” He says. “He’s inviting me to stargaze by the archway tonight.”

Moira freezes. “He knows about the archway?” she asks, terror in her voice.

“No. He just called it the clearing, but that’s what he means. He doesn’t know about the archway yet.”

Dani’s about to point out that he used ‘yet’, when her own phone buzzes.

“Aubrey’s invited me too.”

Moira grins. “A second chance for both of y’all. Interesting.”

* * *

The stars are pretty, but Aubrey is prettier.

Before long, Aubrey and Dani are dancing along with the flashing northern lights. The lights in Sylvain are said to be the spirits of your ancestors, which dance with you at night. While Dani’s quite certain she’s got no ancestors that showed up on Earth before she did, she’s happy that the sky still lights up.

“In Sylvain,” she says to Aubrey, “The longer you dance, the brighter the colours become.”

Aubrey smiles. “Guess we’ll have to keep dancing, then.”

And she holds Dani close, and they don’t stop dancing until both of them are utterly exhausted. Sometime in all of this, Dani started humming, and somewhere further along the line, Aubrey joined in and started harmonizing.

From a distance, she sees Barclay and agent Stern, sitting very close, pointing out stars and laughing to each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sylph biology headcanon: Aside from water, Sylphs never adapted to digesting caffeine. They did, however, adapt to metabolizing alcohol.  
> This is partly why Barclay didn't keep Stern's chocolates, and it also means Jake got a huge chocolate-hangover after he ate the whole box.


	9. Stern gets his romcom moment. Barclay panics.

Constellations look different from Earth.

It’s something that Barclay has gotten used to, but that doesn’t stop him from trying to find old patterns in a new sky. Sometimes, if he just focuses hard enough, he will see the Travellers instead of Orion, and he’ll spot the Magician before it shifts into Draco.

“You seem relaxed,” Joseph notices. Barclay smiles.

“The stars are nice this time of year.”

Joseph nods.

“You know,” Barclay says, “Where I grew up, the constellations had different names, different stars.”

The agent smiles. “Can you point them out to me?”

And Barclay does.

“Over there is the constellation of the scribe. If you look past it, you’ll see the outline of the scroll that they’re writing on.”

Joseph points his finger in the wrong direction. “Over there?” He asks. Barclay shakes his head and guides his hand to the scroll.

“That rectangle, over there.”

Stern nods. Barclay keeps going.

“What you call the Pleiades, we called the Butterfly. Instead of Orion, we have the Diplomat. And instead of the Big Dipper, when you join those extra stars into the constellation, we have the Sasquatch.”

Joseph smiles. “Well, even if I couldn’t find him in Kepler, at least I found him in the stars.”

Barclay swallows a big gulp of air. Stern's eyes are wide, he looks _perfect_. He has to lighten the mood, like, right now.

He points at the Little Dipper. “When you add those stars around the Little Dipper, you end up with the first man. See, that’s the penis-”

Joseph splutters and laughs. “That’s the panhandle to the Little Dipper!” He pauses. “I realize now that the word panhandle in and of itself is a little suggestive, but it’s not supposed to be!”

Barclay grins.

This isn’t a big disaster.

* * *

Barclay takes that back.

This is a huge disaster.

Joseph Stern is standing in front of him, rolling bagels, and he’s  _ singing _ .

The morning had started off easily enough, with Barclay rolling out of bed, ready to start the day. After a quick breakfast, Joseph comes down the stairs. When he happily announces that he’s taking the day off, he heads straight into the kitchen and starts digging up ingredients.

“I’ll make bagels for the lodge.” He announces cheerfully.

When he asks for Barclay’s help, he’s a little freaked out, but is more than willing.

As it stands, Joseph has made a bagel or two in his lifetime, while Barclay hasn’t.

“How do you usually make the hole?”

“Roll it up into a snake, then join the ends.” Stern says. “But you can also just make a disc and punch a hole in it.”

When Barclay continues to stand there, clueless as hell, Joseph stands behind him and guides his hands.

Barclay chuckles. “This is like that pottery scene in Ghost.” He says. Joseph laughs and lets go of his hands. Barclay misses the contact.

“Okay, we don’t have to get  _ that _ dramatic.”

While they’re rolling out the bagels, Stern starts singing quietly.

And the whole lodge goes fucking silent.

Barclay freezes. In Sylvain, music is one of the strongest forms of magic. It’s the sort of magic that builds entire towns in one night. It’s joy, it’s vulnerability, it’s trust. Stern has no idea what his humming is doing to Barclay’s nerves.

Barclay sneaks a glance at the couches in the lobby, where Dani and Aubrey are spooning. The Sylphs make eye contact. Dani shoots him a thumbs up.

“Barclay?” Joseph says, shocking him out of his stupor. “These are ready to rest now. Can I just stick them anywhere?”

Barclay nods. “Yeah. Anywhere is fine.”

“Yes chef.”

And Barclay’s brain stops working for the next ten seconds.  _ That  _ was something he didn’t know he had until now.

* * *

Sylphs don’t get married. For the most part, the average Sylph will just move in with their partner, and are under no obligation to stay if things go sideways. From a practical point of view, it makes sense. The Quell is out there. You can’t get too hung up on your partner when the threat of death exists in every shadow. Over the years, the translation for “spouse” has even changed.

For Moira’s grandparents, it had meant “shared melody”. For Dani’s parents, it had meant “life partner”. For Barclay’s generation, the closest translation is “the one I’m living with right now”. 

And people on Earth complain about how romance and poetry are dead.

Music and singing are a part of the most intricate magic rituals. Even when Barclay was young, a Sylvan moving party required a whole day and night of song and dance, in order to truly bind them together and wish them well for the future.

Joseph probably doesn’t know about any of this, which is why Barclay finds himself pacing in front of Dani.

“Shit shit shit shit-”

“Is it really a bad thing? Actually, yeah, I take that back. It’s very bad.”

“You think? I think it’s horrible!”

“They hummed at you. Need I remind you that it’s usually a good thing?”

“Not if he doesn’t know what that means!”

Dani adjusts the sleeve of her sweater. “I’m sure he didn’t know what that means, but that won’t stop the lodge from fawning over how cute the two of you were.”

“We were making bagels!”

“And having a whole Ghost moment. Fucking adorable.”

“Dani!”

“Just tell him how you feel.” Dani says. Barclay scoffs.

“Real good suggestion from someone who still isn’t with Aubr-”

“We  _ are _ together now.” the vampire corrects. “Happened last night while we were stargazing.”

“How did she know what that means?”

Dani tosses her hair over her shoulder. “Janelle. Apparently, the flowers, the lunches, the blanket, and Stern telling her about the weird bath bomb incident all added up to a pretty suspicious picture worth asking about.”

“And she responded positively?”

“I think it did, considering neither of us had to have a long, wound up confession moment. She just pulled me close last night while we were dancing, told me she would take me on a real date without the need for a bonfire, and started humming.” Dani’s face adopts a dorky grin. “We’re dating now.”

Barclay is torn between congratulating his friend and smacking her for no longer sharing his problems.


	10. How wonderful life is, now you're in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> recommended listening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8lWjQRhQXY

Joseph Stern watches jealously as Dani and Aubrey decorate the Christmas tree, all adorable and couple-y, fresh in their new relationship, flexing on the rest of the lodge.

He’s happy for them, really, but _god_ , he wishes that were him and Barclay. Barclay, who’s currently in the kitchen, making an inhumanely large batch of popcorn and gingerbread. Moira is handing popcorn from the bowl to a snacking Jake, who is stringing every third kernel into a garland.

Ned is sitting nearby with Duck, and joining them at their table is a really, really hot guy that looks like Ryan Gosling, if you squint. The guy’s nonverbal and doesn’t like talking to strangers, the pair of men say, whenever someone stares for too long. At the moment, they’re all cutting old copies of the Lamplighter into snowflakes and chains of people holding hands, ready to tape along the windows.

Aubrey hoists Dani onto her shoulders, and both girls blush brighter than the sparkly tinsel and lights the girl wraps around the top of the tree. All is well and right in their world.

Then, Dani reaches too far, causing Aubrey to lean backwards, overcompensating and setting them off balance. Joseph rushes to their aid as Duck yelps in surprise, and he finds himself with an armful of Dani.

“Uh. Thanks for catching me?”

She’s about the same weight as his gangly, ten year old nephew. Adults should weigh more than that, right? Dani’s pretty compact, but even with that in mind-

“You’re a lot lighter than I thought you’d be.” He says, cringing at his own words as soon as they come out. “Not in a mean way! I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings! Is this a healthy weight for you? Are you eating enough? Sorry, I just meant that you’re really really-”

“I’m fine!” Dani says, almost leaping to get out of his hold. “Just. Really light bones. And almost no muscle!” She emphasizes by weakly flexing her arms. “All of my muscles atrophied once I started skipping gym class. Still the best decision I ever made! Wouldn’t do a fucking beep test if my life depended on it!”

Joseph apologizes again, and decides to head to the kitchens.

“Hey agent, nice catch back there!” Moira says as he approaches. Jake tips his head up, mouth full, and grins.

“How’s it hanging, Stern?” He asks.

“I’m great.” He says, brushing bits of popcorn off of his tie. “Is there anything I can help with here?”

Jake swallows. “Moira and I are cool with the popcorn, but it’d be sick if you could help Barclay with the gingerbread. We’ve made a hella big batch for the season.”

“Is that alright, Barclay?” Moira asks, grinning at the larger man. His face is flushed a cute shade of pink, probably from stirring the massive pot that’s on the stove right now. He’s wearing an old apron and his hair is tied up. It’s a good look that makes Joseph feel like something’s twisting up his guts.

“Yeah, I’d appreciate the help. C’mon in, Joseph.”

Stern nods, and rolls his sleeves up past his elbows, making sure they’re not wrinkled as he works the sleeves up with his hands.

“What do you need me to do?”

“I made the cookie dough yesterday, and I’m making the dough for houses right now.” Barclay motions with his chin to one of the fridges. “It’s sitting in that middle fridge, if you don’t mind helping me roll and cut that cookie dough.”

Joseph nods, opens the door, and swears.

“Yes, Joseph?” Barclay asks, too innocently.

“Barclay, this is the biggest bowl of gingerbread I’ve ever seen.”

“Oh, so you didn’t notice the log first.”

Joseph’s eyes trail down to the bottom level of the fridge, where a large brick of solid gingerbread that miraculously fit in the space sits. He can hear Moira cackling at his surprise.

“Can you carry it?” She calls, half-teasing. He ignores her.

“How much gingerbread do you guys consume over the holidays? Are you _meal prepping_ ? Stocking for the _apocalypse_?”

“It’s not all for us.” Barclay says, as he adds flour by the bowl to his giant pot. “We feed the kids on the last day of school, cater for holiday parties for the local businesses and services around town, and make sure we fit in a detour to the local food bank to put a shit ton of cookies and house-making gear in each holiday hamper. My recipe is a closely guarded secret, but everyone in town knows I make the best damn gingerbread cookies, so we plan accordingly.”

Stern takes the huge bowl from the fridge, forearms straining with effort. “And this is for us?” He asks, weakly.

“That’s just my portion, dude.” Jake calls, “Gotta load up on the carbs if I wanna be at my best on the slopes.”

Stern nods, numbly, knowing that he will never truly understand Jake Coolice. “Of course it is.”

“Stir this for me and I’ll help you pry that log out.” Barclay says, once the bowl is out on the countertop. Joseph tries to move the spoon through the pot.

“How do you make this look so easy?” He wheezes, as Barclay heads towards the fridge. The bigger man’s shoulders shake with suppressed laughter.

“I’m just bulky.” He says, as Joseph struggles further with the dough.

The rest of the air is punched out of his chest when he sees Barclay handling the huge log of gingerbread dough like it weighs nothing.

Jake’s low whistle snaps him out of his trance. “C’mon, Barclay, we get it. You’re strong. You don’t need to flex on the rest of us.” Jake jokes. Barclay laughs.

“Oh, you wanted me to flex?” He asks, as he starts pulling ridiculous poses to show off his arms, much to the amusement of the popcorn stringing pair.

From behind Barclay, Moira moves her arms to imitate his ridiculous poses, muttering something about how he does this _every damn time_ someone mentions the word flex.

Joseph suddenly can’t breathe.

 _Fuck_.

He carefully goes back to work, rolling out dough and punching out the cookies, and remembering how to inhale and exhale like a normal human. When one tray is done, he puts it to the side. The oven is large enough to hold eight trays at a time, so he’ll wait until then to start baking.

“How about a song?” Jake asks, suddenly. “I have some downloaded playlists from the last time I had good internet.”

“But you don’t have good taste in music.” Barclay groans.

“What do you have?” Stern asks. The young man brightens.

“Oh man, I’ve got the classics, y’know? Nickelback, Limp Bizkit, Black-Eyed Peas.” Jake says, swiping through his phone. “Nothing but the good stuff.”

Joseph nods. “You got any ABBA?”

Barclay’s head spins around at the same time Moira snorts, and Jake’s eyes light up.

“I’m so fuckin’ glad you came to Kepler.”

Within seconds, _Take A Chance On Me_ is flooding the kitchenspace. Barclay has moved to the other side of the counter with his own giant helping of gingerbread, and is pressing house shapes into the warm dough. The man shakes his head.  
“I hate this song.”

Joseph gasps loudly. Sure, he’s teasing Barclay, but it’s fun.

“How could you hate ABBA?”

“I don’t hate ABBA, I hate this song.”

Stern lets go of the rolling pin to put a hand over his chest. “Oh, Barclay Jones, you wound me.”

When Barclay laughs, he cracks a smile and goes back to work.

Somewhere between the oven beeping and Stern putting his set of trays in, they go through some of the best and worst songs Jake has on his playlist. It’s like musical Russian Roulette, but you end up listening to _Africa_ by Toto, _All Star_ , or _Mambo No. 5_. Joseph hums along to his favourites with a stupidly wide grin on his face.

Joseph is staring at the cookies through the oven door when the [Lady Gaga cover of Elton John's _Your Song_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8lWjQRhQXY) comes up on Jake’s shuffle. Barclay moves to the oven beside his, and starts loading his own trays. 

“And now we wait.” He says, once the oven door’s closed. Joseph nods.

It’s very warm. They’re standing in front of the ovens, but he doubts that’s where the heat’s coming from. It’s a comfortable warmth. Cozy.

“Staring at the cookies won’t make them bake faster.” Barclay says.

“Maybe you’re not trying hard enough.” he jokes, as he shoots the trays an intense glare. Barclay pats his back.

“Okay, don’t hurt yourself, goofball.”

He nods, and stares at his cookies while he softly sings along to the song.

To his surprise, a second voice joins him at the chorus. A voice that’s coming from the man next to him.

Barclay _sings_?

He looks up, and sure enough, he’s nervously singing, in a very quiet voice, to the song. When he notices the agent staring, he smiles, and he smiles back.

And neither of them stop singing.

Barclay’s got a spot of flour smeared across his left cheek. Joseph moves in, reaches up and wipes it off.

And Barclay doesn’t even twitch.

“You’ve got a great singing voice.” He compliments, while Lady Gaga belts the outro to the song. Barclay shrugs.

“Pretty much nobody but you’ve heard it before, so thanks.” He admits.

“Thank you for sharing.” Joseph says, sincerely. He glances at the cookies, then back at Barclay.

Barclay’s still staring down at him. Joseph feels too hot and too cold at the same time.

_Is this really happening?_

Barclay’s leaning in.

Joseph moves even closer, and for once, Barclay isn’t moving away.

_Holy shit, this is happening. Oh god oh god oh-_

The shrill ringing of Joseph’s oven shocks them both, as they jump back and away from each other, the agent scrambling to grab the oven mitts and shut off the incessant noise.

Across the kitchen, Moira and Jake curse the timer as they scramble to clean up the pieces of anxiously crushed popcorn garland. Those two idiots had been _so close_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sylph biology headcanon: they have absurdly light bones, so your average Sylph will be lighter than they should be, if they were actually human. They also don't gain muscle in the typical way humans do, they have a set of base muscles, and a set that grows with exercise which is on top of the base muscles. So while Dani didn't actually go to high school and skip gym, her secondary set of muscles aren't as built because her day-to-day doesn't require heavy lifting, unlike Barclay.
> 
> Also, Jake has never once eaten a vegetable in his life and he isn't going to start soon. This is not a Sylph thing. This is a Jake thing. Popcorn is the closest he will get to real vegetables.
> 
> All of Amnesty Lodge is in on the relationship drama. Now that Aubrey and Dani are together, the residents are hell-bent on making sure they get Barclay and Stern together. Moira's gingerbread help and Jake's playlists are just phase one. Phase two is all of them staging a "kiss the girl"-esque musical number, like they're in the little mermaid. Phase three is Mama with a gun telling them to just kiss and get together already.
> 
> Also, Take A Chance On Me is a little nod and wink to the first SternClay fic I ever read that instantly hooked me on Sternclay. Everyone go read Spin Dry On High by ThePlace, if you haven't already. You won't regret it.


	11. Warmth

“How did you mess that up?” Moira whisper-shouts at Jake. “You had one job! One!”

“How is it my fault that the timer started screaming when it was about to happen?” Jake hisses back. “It’s not my problem! I had it all perfect! They were supposed to kiss to Lady Gaga! Why would I mess that up on purpose?”

Barclay sighs, and pours himself a splash of espresso. They didn’t even tell him about the plan, but now that he knows they had one, it stings to know he had been left out. The two of them have been at each others’ throats since the agent rushed from the kitchen after the incident by the oven. Joseph is in the main lobby now, decorating cookies with Duck and Ned, and he tries to ignore how occasionally, the agent’s eyes drift back towards the kitchen.

“Look, we can still bounce back from this! Chillax, Barclay! Gimme another chance. I just need one more. We’ll get your man, don’t even sweat!”

“Just admit that it didn’t work and get out of the kitchen, please.” Barclay regrets saying that. Jake looks like you just kicked a puppy in front of him. Moira grabs him by the back of his hoodie and all but drags him away.

* * *

Jake feels like shit.

Not like he might feel after a grueling day out on the slopes, with a burn in his muscles motivating him to do better next time; Jake feels like roadkill.

He settles down at the table where Aubrey and Dani are currently building a gingerbread house.

“Are you sure that’s not too much frosting?” Moira asks hesitantly.

Aubrey grins and shakes her head. From what Jake knows, Barclay makes an incredibly strong icing, but what Aubrey’s done has to be pushing the limit for structural integrity.

“I tried to stop her too.” Dani says, staring at Aubrey and blushing. “But it didn’t happen.”

Aubrey catches her girlfriend staring and blows her a kiss.

Jake watches as, a few tables away, Stern quickly turns his head back into a conversation with Ned, Duck, and their handsome pal. Well, as much of a conversation that Ryan Goatman can attempt. Duck’s trying his best to keep him quiet.

“Man,” Moira whispers. “He’s really in deep.”

“Who?” Aubrey asks.

Jake flaps his arms, to get Aubrey to lower her voice.

“Barclay.” Moira adds. “Barclay’s really into Agent Handsome over there.”

“Stern.” Dani clarifies. “He’s been trying to date him for about as long as I’ve been trying to date you.”

“But that doesn’t make any sense.” Aubrey says, quietly. “Because Joseph’s been trying to date Barclay.”

“Interplanetary romance.” Dani clarifies. “You didn’t get that I was trying to date you until you asked Janelle.”

“So Barclay doesn’t know that Joseph’s into him?” Aubrey asks. “That can’t be right. They were literally just having a moment in the kitchens. And Joseph’s told me about the few times they’ve gone out together. How could Barclay not know?”

“Or maybe, up until now, Barclay’s been afraid that Stern wasn’t serious.” Moira supplies. “For all that he knows, it could all just be a setup by the FBI. He is, after all, still a government agent.”

“We’ve known Barclay since he first came to Kepler.” Jake says. “He keeps his distance from the average Bigfoot hunter, cuz, well, y’know. He’s kind of got a hairy problem. But Stern’s been different from the get-go, because he chose to settle down in this lodge, specifically, and he hasn’t gotten bored of his project yet. Still, Barclay can’t be too careful. Either Stern finds out, and Barclay’s doomed, or he never reveals his secret, and Stern gets called to a different project. The FBI won’t fund you forever, even if you’re in Kepler. And honestly? We don’t know what’s worse.”

* * *

“Y’alright there, agent?”

“I’m fine, Duck. Why do you ask?”

“Because you seem to have your eyes trained towards the kitchens.” Ned says, with a grin that can only be described as devious. “See something you like?”

Joseph makes to leave, but Ned’s hand grips his arm tightly.

“If you’re wondering whether or not I’m about to submit a secret report to my federal overlords, I assure you that I’m not.”

“We weren’t wondering.” Duck says. “About that, at least.”

“Oh, Joseph,” Ned says, in a way that supposed to convince him that they’ve been good friends for ages. “You sure do say the funniest things.”

“So you’re not going to ask me about the government case file on Kepler?” He asks, eyebrow raised. Ned laughs, entirely unconvincing.

“No, no. We wanted to ask you about Barclay Jones. We hear you’re quite enamoured with our beloved chef.”

Stern looks away, and happens to catch Aubrey and Dani being cute and coupley. He tastes something bitter when Aubrey grins and blows her girlfriend a kiss, and tears his gaze back to his tablemates.

“Does everybody in this lodge know?” he asks.

“Uh. No?” Duck says, already sweating.

“I know you’re lying, Duck.”

“Yeah.” He admits. “Yeah, everyone knows. We noticed, and asked Dani.”

Joseph sighs. “I feel like I’ll never truly understand what goes on in this lodge. In Kepler, to be honest.”

“Do you… need to understand what goes on here?” Ned asks.

“The lodge residents are all nice, kind people.” Joseph says. “Sure, there’s the occasional surprise, and everyone has secrets they’re protecting, but it’s not my job to pry those secrets open. I’m here to investigate paranormal occurrences in Kepler. Anything else is outside the scope of my investigation, and therefore, I will not be looking into it.” He’s sure the two of them get his underlying meaning. He’s noticed them talking about “bomboms” occasionally. He’s just elected to ignore it.

“Would you be willing to stay behind for Barclay?” Duck asks. “Because he loves it here. I doubt he’d be willing to uproot just because you get reassigned.”

“I don’t know. For now, I just want to focus on the present. If this goes nowhere in the future, at least I can say I tried, you know? I don’t want this to just be a what-if. I want this to be real, even if it doesn’t end well.”

Ned pats him on the shoulder. “You’re very brave, Joseph. You’re a better man than I could ever hope to be.”

Joseph refrains from mentioning that being placed above an embezzling con-artist isn’t a very high bar, ethically speaking. It’s the thought that counts.

He turns his attention back to cutting out snowflakes, head in the clouds, imagining the night sky, the constellations, and a quiet domesticity.

* * *

“Does it bother you?”

“What do you mean?” Dani asks. In front of her, her girlfriend (she’s still not used to saying that), sits up.

“Does it bother you that you didn’t get to finish up your dating habits? That I messed up?”

The vampire shrugs, and threads her fingers through Aubrey’s hair. “I mean, I still got you in the end, so no?”

“We could have gotten together a lot faster, if I had known.” Aubrey mutters.

“For the record, it’s not like I would have told you our dating customs anyways.” Dani smirks. “Honestly, if you knew about it from the get-go, I don’t think I would have worked up the courage to even leave you flowers. We’d have been at square one forever.”

“But those are your traditions, aren’t they?” she asks, leaning back into Dani’s torso. “They’re little things that you’ve held on to, even when you’ve left Sylvain. I know you don’t mind that I didn’t know, but it must mean something to you.”

“They do, but mostly because it’s what I grew up with.” Dani murmurs into Aubrey’s fluffy hair. “It’s like how you picked up your mom’s habit of scrubbing dishes before putting them in the dishwasher, or how you run in revolving doors like your dad. I’d argue they’re just like American dating customs. You pick them up from what society or media says works, and you translate that to your own personal life. The underdog story. The friends-to-lovers. The cheerleader and the band nerd. Sure, they mean something to you, but if you grew up in a different place, a different time, I bet they wouldn’t matter at all. That there’d be something else in its place.”

“Do you think you’ve adapted to living in Kepler?” Aubrey asks, quietly. “That you can adapt to us, even when I don’t know nearly enough about what you go through, what you still have yet to face?”

Dani threads one hand through Aubrey’s, brings it to her mouth, and gives it a little kiss.

“That’s the thing about traditions. They adapt too. We can face it together.”

They’re quiet for a bit, just enjoying each other’s company, until Aubrey pipes up again.

“Hey, just how important is that bonfire that Janelle told me about?”

“Not that important. I mean, not here, at least.”

“But in Sylvain?”

“I’d compare it to being Facebook official, if Facebook weren’t just an obsolete surveillance site to generate ad revenue.” Dani feels Aubrey giggle, then rustle around in her pocket.

“What’cha reaching for?” She asks, waiting for Aubrey’s guilty “nothing”. She gets it, and when she tries to lean forward to catch her girlfriend in the act, Aubrey just shuffles away, leaving a cold space where she used to be.

“Goddamnit, Aubrey.”

“Just a minute.” she says with a grin as she scrolls through her phone. When she’s satisfied, she shuffles back to her previous spot in front of Dani, who rests her chin on her shoulder.

“Look at this.” Aubrey says, holding up her phone screen.

It’s that gif of Elmo standing with his arms raised in front of a wall of flame.

“I couldn’t load the Shaw Fire Log in time.” Aubrey admits. “So I improvised. There’s fire in the background, it’s fine. That counts, right?”

Dani smiles and settles in closer to Aubrey. “Meh. Traditions are adaptable.”


	12. Finally

Barclay feels funny when he’s around Joseph.

And not his typical “cricketflies turning his stomach into a treadmill” funny.

“Have you tried taking a nap? Preferably with him?” Moira deadpans from behind, when he voices his concerns to Mama. He flips her off without looking behind him.

“Strange.” Mama says, brow furrowed, before she smirks. “Have you tried true love’s kiss?”

“Very funny.” He groans, Moira’s giggles haunting him as she makes her way out of the office and shuts the door. “I’m being serious. It’s not a stupid crush thing. It’s a Sylph thing. I think my bracelet’s broken or something.”

Mama nods slowly. “How long has it been since you took a soak?”

“In the-”

“In the spring out back, yes. How long?”

“I dunno, maybe...” Barclay starts counting on his fingers. “There was that time after the water monster, but after that I’ve been. Oh.”

Mama raises an eyebrow. “How long, Barclay?”

He can’t meet her eyes as he quietly mutters- “two months?”

Mama’s exasperated sigh hits Barclay’s bones. “Two months?” She asks him. “You  _ know _ that’s not good for you. I don’t have to tell you that. Why haven’t you been in the springs?”

“I got busy.”

“Not with Stern!” Moira calls, from outside. Barclay breathes in and waits for the guilt-trip.

“Busy.” Mama says, in the same tone she uses to talk about her lying, cheating, rotten ex-husband. “You’re risking exposure. With a government agent under our roof. Because you’ve been busy.”

Barclay wants the floor to swallow him up. “I’m stupid.”

“No, you’re a good person who’s been making stupid decisions.” Mama says, voice still tense. “But this is an easy fix. Just go for a bath. You need to take care of yourself. Let yourself be taken care of. Little things that you deserve. You deserve nice things, Barclay.”

* * *

“You’re going out for a soak in the middle of winter?”

“Yup.”

“But it’s cold!” Joseph protests. He’s adorable when he looks confused. He’s adorable all the time, though.

“Not when you get in the spring. The spring’s still warm.” Barclay says. “It’s just the walk there and back that are a little hard. But it’s supposed to be really good for your circulation.”

Joseph stops to consider this, as he hands Barclay a towel. “It’s been a while since my last dip in the spring, mind if I come with?”

Barclay can only nod as Joseph grabs his own towel, promises to change into a swimsuit, then leaves him in the laundry room.

* * *

“I’m making a big mistake.”

“You’re making a great choice!” Aubrey encourages, as she rummages through his closet. “Go swimming with him! Where’s your swimsuit? Tell him how you feel! I can’t find your damn swimsuit anywhere-end up with a boyfriend! There’s literally no way this could go wrong!”

“There’s a million ways this could go wrong.”

“Buuuut they won’t happen.” Aubrey replies cheekily. “Because everything will go right! Your swimsuit had better not be a speedo-”

“It’s swim trunks.” Joseph says, entirely too quickly. “I can find them faster-”

“Nope!” Aubrey says. “You’ve been in the closet for far too long. Both physically and metaphorically. Let me do this for you. We wouldn’t want to keep Prince Charming waiting, now would we?”

“Maybe I do.” Joseph says, quietly. “I know you’ve been having a great time with Dani, but what if that doesn’t happen for Barclay and I?”

Aubrey shrugs. “No point in facing what-ifs, yeah?”

“I feel my heart pounding. Every damn time he looks at me. But if I’m just dreaming, this is gonna sting. What if I do but he doesn’t?”

Aubrey tosses his swim trunks to him. “I’ve found the last of your excuses. Now get out there and get your man, for fuck’s sake.”

Joseph is then unceremoniously kicked out of his own room. “Happy last day of Hanukkah to me.” He grumbles.

* * *

By some miracle, Joseph ends up in the hot spring first.

Which Barclay isn’t that surprised by. He’d spent the last ten minutes being accosted by Dani for not making a move yet. Who knows how long the agent’s been in the spring?

“Nice to see you decided to join me.” Joseph says.

Barclay nods, and sinks into the water. The heat makes him sigh in relief. 

_ Fuck _ , he’s missed this. Almost as desperately as he used to miss Sylvain, 

“Yup. Sorry, got trapped by Dani. You know how she is.”

Joseph nods.

“She’s one of my best friends.” Barclay admits. “We’re practically siblings, to be honest. But she’s a lot happier now, which is great. She used to have some rough patches.”

Joseph nods, so Barclay keeps talking.

“I haven’t seen her this happy since the Chonus brothers reunited.”

“You mean… the Jonas Brothers?”

“Right.” Barclay says after an awkward silence.  _ Shit. _

Stern chuckles. “Still can’t believe I know more pop culture than you do. Here I was, thinking I was outdated and couldn’t possibly be hip with the times with my FBI gambit.”

“Must be embarrassing to be seen with me, huh?” Barclay jokes.

“Nope.” Joseph says, popping the ‘p’. “I enjoy it quite a bit.”

Barclay feels his face flush. He settles deeper in the water, trying to avoid eye contact with Joseph. He turns his eyes back to the top window of Amnesty Lodge. If he looks up and squints, he can almost see… no....

Is that AUBREY with a pair of BINOCULARS?

Whoever it is, they shoot him a thumbs up. He sinks lower into the water.

“Something on your mind?” Joseph asks.

“It’s nothing!” Barclay says too quickly. He rolls his eyes internally. Great, just drive him away, why not?

“Oh. If you didn’t want to talk about it, that’s cool too.”

“It’s not of any importance to you.” Barclay lies. “Mama was just telling me about stuff going on in Kepler. She’s scared of the lack of tourism, thinks the lodge might be in trouble if we don’t rent enough rooms over ski season.”

Stern nods. “I live here too, you know.” He says quietly.

“Joseph, I didn’t mean it that way-”

“I get it, really.” Joseph says, crossing his arms and looking away. “You folks are locals, you’ve spent a lot of time here, you don’t feel awkward anymore. Kepler’s your home. But please don’t tell me that something concerning the lodge isn’t important to me. I live here too. Even if it’s just for a few months, even if it’s forever. I’m here. I was here. This was my home, too.”

“I’m sorry.” Barclay says. “I just didn’t want you to worry about it, because I didn’t think it was something you needed to worry about. After all, you’re leaving once the bigfoot project is pulled, aren’t you?”

Stern shakes his head. “I haven’t said anything to my managers yet, but I was actually thinking of taking a bit of a break.”

“Joseph-”

“I’m thinking of getting in touch with my parents again.”

There’s a long time, where there’s only Barclay, Joseph, and the sound of nature around them.

“Joseph, are you sure?”

He smiles and ducks his head. “No. Not at all. But hey, I’m still close to my siblings, and my sister actually said my mom misses me.”

“Abby? The one that invited you to her sibling reunion that you skipped?”

“She’s the one. Guess I can’t exactly avoid her. She’s got this infectious personality, and when she’s making plans with Jessy and Zack, can’t exactly stay away.”

Barclay looks at his hands through the water. “I don’t mean to stop you, Joseph, but you might be setting yourself up for disappointment with this meeting.”

“Maybe. Maybe my parents are both still assholes. Maybe I left and they didn’t think they needed to be better people. But maybe they decided they still wanted me in their lives, so they changed. But I don’t think my siblings would ask me to go back unless they thought we’d reconnect.”

“Maybe I’m wrong.” Barclay supplies. “It happens sometimes. Maybe they’re better people now. I hope they’re better people. Can’t blame me for dreaming.”

“Never.” Barclay says. “I’d just hate to see you get hurt.”

“Hopefully, you won’t.” Joseph says. “Well, I can’t stay in here for much longer. The water and the company’s been great, but if I stay here longer I might just steam.”

Barclay tries not to stare as Joseph lifts himself out of the water. He fails miserably.

“Damn.” He mutters. “Hate to see you go, but I love watching you leave.”

Joseph spins around while wrapping his towel around his torso. “Sorry?”

“Oh!” Barclay squeaks, feeling himself flush more. Shit. “Can you please boil some water for tea?”

Joseph nods. “Sure.”

Barclay watches as the man rushes back into Amnesty Lodge, cursing the cold weather all the while.

* * *

Barclay makes him brisket for dinner.

“Happy Hanukkah.” He says, sliding the plate across the counter, where the agent is sitting. He’s migrated from his usual table today, preferring the quiet counter, where he can watch Barclay work his magic.

Not that magic actually exists, of course. But when Barclay’s in the kitchen, just working on his food? Joseph’s willing to suspend his disbelief.

Maybe the magic is Barclay, he realizes, as the man chops a veritable fuckton of onions without tearing up.

He tucks into his food.

“Delicious, as always.”

Barclay’s ears turn pink. “Thanks. You know, I think I’ll miss you when you leave.”

He quirks an eyebrow. “You think you’ll miss me?”

“I know I’ll miss you.” Barclay says, turning to look at him over the counter. “Will you miss the lodge?”

“I’ll miss you.” Stern says, quietly observing how Barclay flushes more.

“Really?”

“Yeah. I’ll miss waking up to the smell of your cooking, I’ll miss the nice atmosphere, the fresh air, but I think I’m gonna miss you most.”

Barclay tugs at the rolled up sleeves on his flannel and shuffles his feet.

“That’s sweet of you, Joseph.”

Chewing on another piece of brisket, he shakes his head and swallows when he can.

“I mean it.”

He could probably live off Barclay’s fond look for an eternity. He would, at least, were they not rudely interrupted by the boisterous sounds of Aubrey, Ned and Duck walking in and chatting, still kicking the snow off their boots and dusting each other off.

“I asked you guys to shovel.” Barclay complains. “Why the hell are y’all covered in snow?”

“Well, the funny thing about snow, is that it’s very fun to play in.” Aubrey says, before looking between the two men. “Sorry, did we come in at a bad time?”

“No.” They both say.

“Great!” Ned says. “Because we’re starving!”

“You don’t get any food until you settle the tab from last time.” Barclay says.

“Can I get my meal for free if I put nice pictures on Instantgram?”

“Oh my god, grandpa,” Aubrey whines, “it’s called instagram. And no, you can’t. You’re not an influencer.”

Ned puffs his chest out. “I’d say I’ve been doing a decent job at influencing the population’s view on cryptids. What say you, friend Barclay? Willing to trade a meal for some exposure?”

Joseph hides his smile behind his glass of water. Duck settles down on his left, while Aubrey and Ned take the seats on his right.

“Tell Mama we didn’t plan to start a snowball fight when we were supposed to be shovelling the road.” Duck says. “But if she finds out, uh, tell her that Aubrey definitely started it?”

“You’re a shit liar, Duck.” Barclay says through a wide grin. “What’re y’all eating tonight?”

He takes their orders and gets to work, Joseph watching him the whole time.

”Stern,”

“Yes, Aubrey?”

“Status update?”

“Nothing new.”

“Damn it. You were having fun in the springs though, weren’t you?”

“I’m not going to assume you weren’t spying on us after you threw me out of my own room.”

“Of course not.”

Barclay notices Joseph watching him, and tries to flip Aubrey’s vegetables with his eyes fixed on Joseph.

It doesn’t work. Bell peppers go everywhere. Joseph fights back a smirk.

“Little distracted there, Barclay?” Ned asks.

“I’m fine!”

“I think he messed up because he was trying to impress somebody. Looks like Mr. Barclay’s got a crush.” Ned says. When Joseph doesn’t immediately react, he leans over to Aubrey. “He’s a spy. Is he not a fast learner?”

“He’s emotionally involved.” She mutters back.

“Barclay?” Joseph says. “With who?”

Aubrey shoots him the sharpest glare.

“No.”

“Yes.” Duck says, from his other side. “He does. On you.”

Stern is about to deny, protest, whatever it takes to deflect the attention, when Barclay puts the finished meals on the counter.

“Oh, yeah, Stern, I forgot to tell you earlier, but I got you something for Hanukkah. Can I swing by your room after the dinner rush to give it to you?”

“That’s fine. Just drop by whenever. I’ll be in there.”

He smiles, and suddenly the other three fade away.

“Good. See you later.”

* * *

“Aubrey, can I help you with anything?”

The magician grins widely. “There’s some things you can help me with, that’s for sure.”

He rolls his eyes, but lets her in anyways.

“Have you brushed your teeth yet?”

“Yes.”

“Bummer. He’s bringing dessert to your room. But if you wanted your breath to smell fresh for when you start making out with Barclay, I respect that.”

He swats at her.

“I’m helping, trust me.” Aubrey says. “Just let me try out a magic trick on you first.”

“Why don’t you ask Dani?”

“She’s too nice to me sometimes, you know? Doesn’t want to hurt my feelings, even if my tricks are really bad. You’re different. You’ll be honest if it’s bad. Most importantly, you’ve got a keen eye, so if I need to practice my moves, you can tell me which ones I need to polish up.”

“Alright, promise you won’t get mad when I figure out your secrets?”

She smiles, face lighting up at the challenge. “I’d like to see you try.”

By the end of her set, he’s picked out a few spaces where she could shuffle faster, or use more arm movement to distract from her tricks.

“Pretty good, I’ll say.” He says while clapping. “Your fire tricks were the best, though. I couldn’t even see your spark paper.”

“Thanks!” Aubrey says. “I do have one more trick though.”

She crosses her arms, and when she snaps her fingers, a bouquet of flowers appears in each hand.

“Original.” He says. “A little underwhelming when you literally breathed fire three minutes ago, but I like it. Less property damage to worry about.”

“And you get a bouquet of flowers at the end of it for being such a good audience member!” she beams, tossing one bundle into his lap.

“I do indeed.” He says, when they both hear a knocking on the door.

“Surprise trick!” Aubrey exclaims. From her bouquet, she rips the flowers from their stems and scatters the petals across his bed. “Operation boyfriends!”

“Aubrey!” He makes to catch her, but she feints left and runs out onto his balcony, where she jumps and starts climbing to the balcony upstairs. “I can’t clean this up!”

“Guess you have to answer the door, then!” she responds, and he can just see the shit-eating grin that must be plastered on her face.

“Hi, Barclay.”

“Hey! Can I come in?” He asks. “I brought dessert.”

He lets Barclay in, and turns bright red when Barclay sees the flower petals on the bed.

“Is this a bad time?”

“No!” He says. “It was Aubrey.”

Barclay nods. “Y’know, if you hadn’t said that, I would have thought you were trying to seduce me, agent.”

“Maybe I was.” He whispers.

“You were?” Barclay asks, spinning around. Joseph gathers whatever courage he can find in his guts and looks Barclay dead in the eyes.

“I like you. A lot. And I hear from other people that you like me back, but if this is all a joke, tell me now, before I fall any deeper for you. Break my heart right now. Tell me I’m wrong, that I’m being stupid. Or tell me that you like me back.”

Barclay wraps his arms around the agent. “I like you too. A lot. I was freaking out that I was being too obvious.”

“I was, too.”

“So, everyone figured it out before we did, huh?”

“They certainly did.”

“It takes a village, doesn’t it?” Barclay says. “Dani, Moira, and Jake were trying to set us up the whole time.”

“Aubrey and I were each others’ wingmen.” Joseph admits.

“Well, want to date? Officially be boyfriends? That kind of stuff?”

“I’d like that. What’s for dessert?”

Barclay uncovers the little bowl. “Jelly donuts.”

“That’s very nice of you, Barclay.”

“I googled it. Apparently it’s a Hanukkah treat?”

“They are. In fact, I was about to light the menorah.”

“You have one?” Barclay asks.

“I do. Granted, it’s plastic, with little LED lights, but it’s the thought that counts, for me.”

Joseph hits the button on the last LED candle, and Barclay stands behind him, wrapping his arms around. 

“This ok?”

“Don’t ever be farther than this distance again.” Joseph mutters back.

“I don’t plan to.” Barclay, his boyfriend, responds.

From across the lodge, Indrid Cold reports the news. High fives and money are exchanged between the residents of Amnesty lodge. The wind blows cold, but inside it is safe and warm.

Finally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sylph biology headcanon: chopping onions does nothing to a Sylph.
> 
> That's a wrap! Thanks for hanging around for the ride! Hope you had fun :)


End file.
